Nice Guys and Civility

I am still studying P.M. Forni's book on civility.

I think that civility requires a commitment to listening, to fact, to moving beyond emotional reaction, and above all, to being kind.  It is very hard to keep this commitment, especially when other parties to discussions these days are everything BUT.

However, civility extends beyond political discourse.  It is about taking time for each other.  Caring for each other.  Acknowledging each other.  Respecting each other as fellow human beings, walking together on this journey through life.

How can we bring each other forward if we can't even talk to each other?

From the passage by E.M. Forster in his essay "What I Believe":

"I believe in aristocracy . . . if that is the right word, and if a democrat may use it. Not an aristocracy of power, based upon rank and influence, but an aristocracy of the sensitive, the considerate, and the plucky. Its members are to be found in all nations and all classes, and all through the ages, and there is a secret understanding between them when they meet. They represent the true human tradition, the one permanent victory of our queer race over cruelty and chaos. Thousands of them perish in obscurity, a few are great names. They are sensitive for others, as for themselves, they are considerate without being fussy, their pluck is not swankiness but the power to endure, and they can take a joke."

Rant Warning - This one's a Doosey

TIME GOES BY Fed Up with Elders Today

Ronni Bennett always is eloquent on her blog, as are her famous guest authors. Like Ronni, my frustration is at an all time high as I watch sheer hate and ignorance take center stage in our precious country. I keep trying to understand the motivation and position of the extremists and radical haters, but I just can't seem to crack the code. Their venom and anger is overwhelming.

I get that the population is in a sour mood because of unemployment and the economy. Frankly I am too. I am just not convicted that ignoring the past and denying history can get us past where we are today. My parents taught me that I am held accountable for my choices, and life and my religious upbringing reinforced that. It is absolutely clear to me that both heaven and earth require me – and all of us – to accept responsibility for where we are right now, and unfortunately that includes the decisions that have put us in this mess. Even though the decisions were not our own, we have to start where we are (yep, this is reality we are living in) and move forward from this place.

My parents also gave me a most precious gift – a demand that I think critically. That I work to understand and learn the truth, and not accept information at face value. That I wonder at why and how, and then consider a broad base of evidence and use analysis to make decisions and come to considered conclusions.

I thought we all learned this. Didn’t we? How can it be that there exists such an amazing lack of critical thinking going on at every level?

When did it become cool to pretend that all is well everywhere because it is well with us, that if I help out a few people I have done my duty, that all I really need to worry about is what I believe, that learning about the world and the very truth of it is not important, that what one person says is true even if everything else in their life is not, that agreeing without questioning makes for a strong platform? When did it become bad to ask questions, to think through things, to draw conclusions, to disagree? Being proud of being uninformed – really?

I watch as older Americans preach that they have never taken anything from the government and never will. I watch them shout down anyone that wants to dialog from a different position. And yet I wonder - haven’t these older people received Social Security, are they on Medicare, did they go to public schools? Did any of them attend college on the GI Bill and buy their first homes with government-backed loans? When they need to, do they call city-funded police and fire departments for help?

None of us can stand entirely on our own – a healthy society is functionally interdependent.

Civility

As the political discourse around me continues to heat up, I find that I have been surprised by the form that our national debate has taken. I am stunned at what I perceive is a complete lack of desire by anyone on any side to truly reach others with a different opinion. No one wants to explain their position, describe why they think that way, cite the evidence that they have gathered to support their conclusion. No one wants to educate anyone. I have not only been surprised by this, but also by the anger of my fellow citizens when engaged in discussions with parties of differing opinions. And to be honest, I have mostly been surprised - and frankly quite hurt - by those closest to me, for their swift anger and immediate descent into name calling and belittling, rather than discussion, education, intellectual debate and understanding. I am stunned that those who know me well, even members of my family, jump to conclusions and use hateful language to disparage me personally – while never taking time to discuss their position, their reasoning, their perspective – and also never taking a moment of time to understand mine.

And this, dear friend, has me reflecting on Civility. Not something that I am an expert on, I assure you. This is an area where I have much to learn. But civility is also something that I am very concerned about; something that I believe in.

There are many educators, writers, speakers, and philosophers who have attempted to build a solid working definition of civility, and I am reading multiple books and articles as I think things through and do research. What has happened to civil engagement, and how do we live now, in this day and time, in this complex world, without it? I have read blog entries where a given author has decided to stay home and limit his interaction with others because of the increasing lack of civility in his/her environment. Is disengagement the answer? I have been given advice from well meaning friends and relatives, “Just don’t talk about anything controversial. Just talk about the weather.” Is the answer really to never understand another point of view? The media has devoted article after article to discussion on the “coarsening” of America. As one might expect, there has been plenty of finger-pointing and lots of blame aimed at parents, schools, educators, communities, politics, and society as whole for the lessening of our civil behavior. P. M. Forni, co-founder of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, has written a book titled “Choosing Civility,” wherein he concludes that civility is complex, good, has to do with courtesy and manners, and belongs in the realm of ethics.

Here is an excerpt from the second chapter of his book, reflecting on the complexity of defining civility. “Courtesy, politeness, manners, and civility are all, in essence, forms of awareness. Being civil means being constantly aware of others and weaving restraint, respect, and consideration into the very fabric of awareness. Civility is a form of goodness; it is gracious goodness. But it is not just an attitude of benevolent and thoughtful relating to other individuals; it also entails an active interest in the well-being of our communities and even a concern for the health of the planet on which we live.

Saying “please” and “thank you”; lowering our voice whenever it may threaten or interfere with others’ tranquility; raising funds for a neighborhood renovation program; acknowledging a newcomer to the conversation; welcoming a new neighbor; listening to understand and help; respecting those different from us; responding with restraint to a challenge; properly disposing of a piece of trash left by someone else; properly disposing of dangerous industrial pollutants; acknowledging our mistakes; refusing to participate in malicious gossip; making a new pot of coffee for the office machine after drinking the last cup; signaling our turns when driving; yielding our seat on a bus whenever it seems appropriate; alerting the person sitting behind us on a plane when we are about to lower the back of our seat; standing close to the right-side handrail on an escalator; stopping to give directions to someone who is lost; stopping at red lights; disagreeing with poise; yielding with grace when losing an argument, these diverse behaviors are all imbued with the spirit of civility.”

Despite this complexity I am committed to becoming ever more civil. I believe that we must learn how to live together. We must learn how to agree – and how to disagree. We must together learn how to not only be courteous, but also how to be good friends, good neighbors, good citizens.